Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in thegreenson's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, June 30th, 2009
7:39 pm	FIGHT THIS PLEASE! http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=124858948135&h=HGdvj&u=hn--C&ref=nf this is complete bullshit...please fight it. These are endangered species and if they are bread then they should be in a zoo or freed not eaten! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, January 16th, 2009
10:37 pm	Im one immoral SOB! =vD How moral are you? Morality is a complex subject. Everyone has a different idea about what it means. Many people believe in a God-given morality; that morality is a spiritual issues and standard; that it is absolute. Others believe in a relative morality, and believe it is designed to keep society stable and prevent us from hurting each other. This test is designed to be a broad, encompassing look at morality. We include anything that a significant number of people believe is a moral issue. Your ideological morality index is 4.6 / 10. This is determined by your ideological opposition to various things that are considered immoral. A higher number indicates a higher morality, or an increased opposition to immorality in your personal life. In other words, a higher number means you intend to be more moral in the future. The average is currently 6.2 / 10, which leaves you 26% lower than the average. Your practical morality index is 3.4 / 10. This is determined by your actions - what you have done, what you are doing. A higher number means that you have generally lived by a high standard of morality. The average practical morality index is 6.3 / 10, which puts you at 46% lower than the average. Broken down, your personal morality is 1.4 / 10 (very low) - this is the morality that relates to your personal decisions. Your interpersonal morality is 6.6 / 10 (medium high) - this concerns your relationship to, and decisions that you make concerning, other people.   Get your morality analysis. Current Mood: amused Current Music: Tool (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 15th, 2009
11:34 pm	Shedding my colors Shedding my colors Where do I start hmmm? I’m currently undergoing an MEB which is a Medical Board in the Army. Jesus Christ (irony accepted), I hope I get out. I fucking hate the Army more and more with every day. I feel like I joined Hitler youth lite. If you’re not a red meat glutton, no spice (literal or figurative), country listening, christen republican you might as well have stayed home. I exaggerate a little, but only in so much as to say that others exist in the military that aren’t like that; they exist in fear with bitten tongues. If you look at what I wrote on November 26th 2008 you’ll see an Archetypal essay in response to being accused of "slander against the military" for being overheard in a private conversation saying "the military is a fascist judeo-christen organization". I have since been convicted of this charge and given an article 15 non-judicial punishment. You can contest an article 15 and move for a court martial if you like but here’s the catch; if you are in the military under six years and you request court martial the Army can just kick you out without trial. Court martial’s being the completely fair and judicial proceedings that they are and considering my meager four years of service I forwent the court martial and accepted my punishment. Long live mien furuer Bush!!! ....Bleurrgh!!!! I feel this only serves to confirm my accusation that the military is fascist, but far be it from the Army to recognize logic just BURN THE UPSTART AT THE STAKE! No sooner than I go to work after receiving my article fifteen do I find an e-mail telling me that there is a "mandatory prayer breakfast for all NCOs". ... ... ...let that sink in for a second......remember I’m in the United States Army not the Pakistani Army or a church..... ... ....ok you wierded out yet? So I called my squad leader, no answer; called my platoon SGT and had a very interesting conversation. My platoon SGT didn’t see anything wrong with it and when I told her it was illegal to make a "prayer anything mandatory" she said "Your Wrong SGT Greenson. The Benediction has been part of the Army since its inception and we can order you to pray." At this point I told her that I would need to talk to our Equal Opportunity rep as soon as possible. She told me that she didn’t think it would help but that I was more than welcome to do so; again reiterating that it would do me no good. The EO rep had much different things to say; more along the lines of WTF?!!! So anyway I am in the middle of what could be a big litigation against them and yes, I am going to push it home. Later that same night I came across the individual that my article fifteen stated as given sworn testimony and a written statement against me; this person denied saying anything besides that they were there with me and that they were never asked about anything that was said what so ever. I asked them to swear this was true and warned them that if they did I was going to go to JAG and find a lawyer in the morning and yes, they kept their story. So now I find my commander and my 1SGT in perjury as well as violation of equal opportunity policy. I don’t know how this is going to pan out, but as long as I can "do the right thing" until I’m out of here I should be OK. I can’t stand this place, FUCK! I told the EO rep that I joined to fight militant religion in the world and I feel that while I was out killing people to work towards this cause someone slapped a christen emblem on my back and I don’t know what to do. I said that I have no problem serving my country but if the Army is a "Christen" organization then I don’t want any part and they should let me out as it was not stated in my contract when I enlisted. Shit, so maybe Ill get out as a conscientious objector as opposed to a medical discharge. I fucking just want out. I’m so depressed here. These people are insidious; and if you’re a democrat from the San Francisco bay you might as well be a pinko commy, flag burning, government over throwing, homosexual militant. I can’t wait to shed my colors and rejoin the civilian populace. I watched Bush' peace out speech tonight, what a fucking shmuck man; that peace of shit can’t leave soon enough. Ohh, and the kicker to this whole sob story is I’m on 14 days restriction (Grounded to my room except for when I’m working) and I’m going to miss the party of a life time when Obama is inaugurated. AHHHHHHHHHHHH WHY ME FUCK!!!! Now that is fucking un-American! I feel like I should write Arnold about this shit. Anyway, enough crying for me. Don’t join the military. Current Mood: angry Current Music: Perfect Circle (10 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 21st, 2008
7:12 pm	The Life Experience Test Overall, you have partaken in 140 out of 169 possible life experiences. Your average life experience score is therefore 83%. The average score is 51%, making your experiences more than 100% of the people who have taken this test. The average for your age group (26-35) is 53%. Broken down by category: Art: 11/17 (65%) Career & Work: 12/13 (92%) Civics & Technology: 7/7 (100%) Crime & Disarray: 11/11 (100%) Education: 13/18 (72%) Fashion: 9/10 (90%) Fitness, Health and Sports: 7/7 (100%) Life in General: 12/14 (86%) Relationships: 10/14 (71%) Religion & Politics: 2/4 (50%) Social: 22/22 (100%) Travel: 12/20 (60%) Vices: 12/12 (100%)   Take the test and see how YOU compare (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 9th, 2008
7:17 pm	Im fucking depressed or something like it... I don’t know if I would describe myself as depressed right now. I have a lot of good things coming to me but I’m also just bogged down in stress. Between being the analytical lead at work, writing a new school program for a pre-deployment training course for the company, being the primary marksmanship instructor, my friends, this new girl I’ve been seeing and some asshole at the company trying to get me in trouble for petty shit because I reprimanded her for not doing her job a while back; I’m just left with little to no strength to make it through the day. I’m turned upside down in my belly. I’m fucking pissed off and tired of this place and these people. I’m waiting for word that the investigation into this unfounded slander case has finished and I can get back on with my life. Its bullshit hearsay and the witnesses will back my story; I know this with out even talking to them. It just really sucks that the environment we work in can be so easily jolted by immature little girls. So the bottom line is; I’m not really going to get in much more trouble than I already have gotten in (if any) but I will be on egg shells until I move to England and start my new job next May. This new girl CW is pretty cool. I really didn’t see it coming at all. I was at her house on thanks giving this year with a bunch of friends that were away from home. I forget how it came about but, she had said something that she hadn’t met a man that could make her come in over a year, so I offered to go down on her with no needed reciprocation to see if I could help. I’m generally pretty forward when it comes to sex. I did grow up throwing raves for about a decade which likely got me over any sexual inhibitions I might have had otherwise. She denied my offer, but was secretly interested. We have a lot of mutual friends and hang out together often. So eventually one thing led to another and I’ve spent the last two week ends with her. She’s not the hottest women I’ve ever been with; she has a pretty killer body though. I don’t know why, but looks matter a little less with each passing year. She’s very intelligent and a good conversationalist. The sex, well, I can say that it doesn’t seem lacking in any facet. It’s actually really nice and we are really starting to reach a place where we can comfortably communicate and read each other well. I move in five months so there’s no point in monogamy or titles, or at least I can’t see one that isn’t an obvious detriment to mental health. There is this chick that I’ve been flirting with for a little over a year now that’s wanting to "hang out" aka have sex some time soon seeing as were parting, well call her SH. Oouuu, I really want to also. She’s fucking hot and has a killer body. Then there’s DT, this chick I know from back in the day who caught wind of me coming home for new years and has asked me to go to P-Funk in San Francisco and then to a party with her for new years. DT, has always had a huge crush on me and she is most definitely planning on being more than friendly with me on new years. She’s fucking hotter than the other one. I want to taste the fruits of these women and enjoy all the great things that one gets to enjoy when they move to another country (E.G; sex with everyone that wanted to have sex with you). My problem is that I’m feeling some weird twinge of guilt. I’m feeling like I will like myself more if I don’t go sleep with these other women and just hang with CW. In reality she would never know if I did any of it, but I don’t think I would want to keep it from her either. So, I don’t want to be in a "relationship" aka boyfriend/ girlfriend with her, but I’m feeling guilt about going and sleeping with these other woman and at the same time I realize that even should I want a relationship I can’t have one because I’m moving. HAHAHAHA, wow what a stupid mess. I’m supposed to be the amazing greenson, the guy who doesn’t give a fuck;....right? My best friend and brother MW screwed his ex this last week and is all fucked in the noodle about it so I’ve really just been listening to him about that and trying to play devils advocate to his lust so that he might gain some level of objectivity somewhere in the middle. One of the problems is that MW knows me far too well, and on some level understands that this is my game; push people really far so that they come to the middle and feel like they owned it more than if you tried to tell them that’s where their supposed to be. So it rarely works, he knows all my tricks. He’s moving to England with me;....dear god I hope he doesn’t bring that woman. I don’t really know her, but from what I do know she seems of the wrong sort. I hope I’m wrong. Who know, maybe his ex M and I will end up being great friends. I would have to be a fool to assume I knew the future. I’m stressed out, I’m walking on egg shells, my best friend needs me to listen more than I need him to listen to me, I think I’m definitely feeling more than friendly towards someone I don’t want to and I’m being baited by beautiful women just about everywhere I turn and for some god forsaken reason I grew a conscience in my sleep. FUCK! I just want to roll around and take, sleep with all of them, eat all the food I want, drink all the drink I want, smoke all the smoke I want, travel where ever the fuck I want and not ever question if that’s OK. I used to be able to do that with out any problem, so what the fuck happened to me? I’m so fucking afraid to love, even though loving is the thing that comes most naturally to me. I wish you were here MW and MJ. I guess all I can do is step into tomorrow with my head held high and try to be as true to my love as possible. I don’t think sleeping with these other girls has anything to do with anything besides debaucherus greed. Dammit! Current Mood: AHHHRRRGGG!!!! Current Music: Smith & Mighty (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 26th, 2008
2:44 pm	A little something I wrote to try and get out of trouble... http://thedishpanchronicles.blogspot.com/2008/09/democracy-massacred-in-minneapolisst.html ...............Early Warning Signs of Facism............. 1) Powerful And Continuing Nationalism 2) Disdain For Human Rights 3) Identification Of Enemies As A Unifying Cause 4) Supremacy Of The Military 5) Rampant Sexism 6) Controlled Mass Media 7) Obsession With National Security 8) Religion And Government Intertwined 9) Corporate Power Protected 10) Labor Power Supressed 11) Disdain For Intellectuals & The Arts 12) Obsession With Crime And Punishment 13) Rampant Cronyism & Corruption 14) Fraudulent Elections For the purpose of this perspective, I will consider the following regimes: Nazi Germany, Fascist Italy, Franco’s Spain, Salazar’s Portugal, Papadopoulos’s Greece, Pinochet’s Chile, and Suharto’s Indonesia. To be sure, they constitute a mixed bag of national identities, cultures, developmental levels, and history. But they all followed the fascist or protofascist model in obtaining, expanding, and maintaining power. Further, all these regimes have been overthrown, so a more or less complete picture of their basic characteristics and abuses is possible. Analysis of these seven regimes reveals fourteen common threads that link them in recognizable patterns of national behavior and abuse of power. These basic characteristics are more prevalent and intense in some regimes than in others, but they all share at least some level of similarity. 1. Powerful and continuing expressions of nationalism. From the prominent displays of flags and bunting to the ubiquitous lapel pins, the fervor to show patriotic nationalism, both on the part of the regime itself and of citizens caught up in its frenzy, was always obvious. Catchy slogans, pride in the military, and demands for unity were common themes in expressing this nationalism. It was usually coupled with a suspicion of things foreign that often bordered on xenophobia. 2. Disdain for the importance of human rights. The regimes themselves viewed human rights as of little value and a hindrance to realizing the objectives of the ruling elite. Through clever use of propaganda, the population was brought to accept these human rights abuses by marginalizing, even demonizing, those being targeted. When abuse was egregious, the tactic was to use secrecy, denial, and disinformation. 3. Identification of enemies/scapegoats as a unifying cause. The most significant common thread among these regimes was the use of scapegoating as a means to divert the people’s attention from other problems, to shift blame for failures, and to channel frustration in controlled directions. The methods of choice—relentless propaganda and disinformation—were usually effective. Often the regimes would incite “spontaneous” acts against the target scapegoats, usually communists, socialists, liberals, Jews, ethnic and racial minorities, traditional national enemies, members of other religions, secularists, homosexuals, and “terrorists.” Active opponents of these regimes were inevitably labeled as terrorists and dealt with accordingly. 4. The supremacy of the military/avid militarism. Ruling elites always identified closely with the military and the industrial infrastructure that supported it. A disproportionate share of national resources was allocated to the military, even when domestic needs were acute. The military was seen as an expression of nationalism, and was used whenever possible to assert national goals, intimidate other nations, and increase the power and prestige of the ruling elite. 5. Rampant sexism. Beyond the simple fact that the political elite and the national culture were male-dominated, these regimes inevitably viewed women as second-class citizens. They were adamantly anti-abortion and also homophobic. These attitudes were usually codified in Draconian laws that enjoyed strong support by the orthodox religion of the country, thus lending the regime cover for its abuses. 6. A controlled mass media. Under some of the regimes, the mass media were under strict direct control and could be relied upon never to stray from the party line. Other regimes exercised more subtle power to ensure media orthodoxy. Methods included the control of licensing and access to resources, economic pressure, appeals to patriotism, and implied threats. The leaders of the mass media were often politically compatible with the power elite. The result was usually success in keeping the general public unaware of the regimes’ excesses. 7. Obsession with national security. Inevitably, a national security apparatus was under direct control of the ruling elite. It was usually an instrument of oppression, operating in secret and beyond any constraints. Its actions were justified under the rubric of protecting “national security,” and questioning its activities was portrayed as unpatriotic or even treasonous. 8. Religion and ruling elite tied together. Unlike communist regimes, the fascist and protofascist regimes were never proclaimed as godless by their opponents. In fact, most of the regimes attached themselves to the predominant religion of the country and chose to portray themselves as militant defenders of that religion. The fact that the ruling elite’s behavior was incompatible with the precepts of the religion was generally swept under the rug. Propaganda kept up the illusion that the ruling elites were defenders of the faith and opponents of the “godless.” A perception was manufactured that opposing the power elite was tantamount to an attack on religion. 9. Power of corporations protected. Although the personal life of ordinary citizens was under strict control, the ability of large corporations to operate in relative freedom was not compromised. The ruling elite saw the corporate structure as a way to not only ensure military production (in developed states), but also as an additional means of social control. Members of the economic elite were often pampered by the political elite to ensure a continued mutuality of interests, especially in the repression of “have-not” citizens. 10. Power of labor suppressed or eliminated. Since organized labor was seen as the one power center that could challenge the political hegemony of the ruling elite and its corporate allies, it was inevitably crushed or made powerless. The poor formed an underclass, viewed with suspicion or outright contempt. Under some regimes, being poor was considered akin to a vice. 11. Disdain and suppression of intellectuals and the arts. Intellectuals and the inherent freedom of ideas and expression associated with them were anathema to these regimes. Intellectual and academic freedom were considered subversive to national security and the patriotic ideal. Universities were tightly controlled; politically unreliable faculty harassed or eliminated. Unorthodox ideas or expressions of dissent were strongly attacked, silenced, or crushed. To these regimes, art and literature should serve the national interest or they had no right to exist. 12. Obsession with crime and punishment. Most of these regimes maintained Draconian systems of criminal justice with huge prison populations. The police were often glorified and had almost unchecked power, leading to rampant abuse. “Normal” and political crime were often merged into trumped-up criminal charges and sometimes used against political opponents of the regime. Fear, and hatred, of criminals or “traitors” was often promoted among the population as an excuse for more police power. 13. Rampant cronyism and corruption. Those in business circles and close to the power elite often used their position to enrich themselves. This corruption worked both ways; the power elite would receive financial gifts and property from the economic elite, who in turn would gain the benefit of government favoritism. Members of the power elite were in a position to obtain vast wealth from other sources as well: for example, by stealing national resources. With the national security apparatus under control and the media muzzled, this corruption was largely unconstrained and not well understood by the general population. 14. Fraudulent elections. Elections in the form of plebiscites or public opinion polls were usually bogus. When actual elections with candidates were held, they would usually be perverted by the power elite to get the desired result. Common methods included maintaining control of the election machinery, intimidating and disenfranchising opposition voters, destroying or disallowing legal votes, and, as a last resort, turning to a judiciary beholden to the power elite. Does any of this ring alarm bells? Of course not. After all, this is America, officially a democracy with the rule of law, a constitution, a free press, honest elections, and a well-informed public constantly being put on guard against evils. Historical comparisons like these are just exercises in verbal gymnastics. Maybe, maybe not. The majority of these social and structural behaviors should become self-evident when viewing the society from within the Military. The US Military is a totalitarian organization that enforces national security; wears nationalist symbols in almost all facets of its existence; is almost openly corrupt, falling short of its own tenets more often than not while pushing a multi-million dollar a year media campaign to enforce and sell those tenets; words like “Hajji” (a word meaning that you have fulfilled your duty as a Muslim and travelled to Mecca) are used in a derogatory sense and Islam is often referred to irreverently by people in the military as immediately defining an individual as a “terrorist” or “enemy”; the over use of the term “Al’ Qaeda” to cover many different organizations and countries across the entire globe to serve as a faceless fear inducing enemy that the “Nation” must rally together to fight; AAFFES & NEX have a monopoly on all Military ground, along with other large corporations that have made deals to exist exclusively on military soil; any time there is an incident that could bring negative light on the administration a scape goat is “made an example of”; intellectuals and those that would discuss and question logic of the times are greatly frowned upon and ostracized; the community at large tries to support one political party and persecutes those that do not share their views socially if not officially; and finally the US Military does not give “any” rights to Atheists and while it does not deny members the right to study what ever religion they want, the military largely employs pastors and preachers of the Judeo-Christen religions, using them openly in every ceremony and through out the normal course of the day forcing members to listen to their prayers and feel ostracized and scared of slander and mistreatment if they do not join in on the prayers of the group. I am pretty good at run on sentences, but, ohh well. I put this together to show that although I should have been more aware of who could over hear my conversation on the 19th, the US Military is most definitely capable of being described as a “Fascist Judeo-Christen organization”. This doesn’t have to be taken as an attack on the Military but rather a rational observation. I am in the Military and I reenlisted. I am a patriot and therefore bound to the United States and it’s Military, but that doesn’t mean I should stop thinking or intellectualizing. Some times the best place to make a change is from within. So please, really think about what you just read before going on the defensive. If you don’t want the Military to be a fascist organization then what can you do about it? Note 1. Defined as a “political movement or regime tending toward or imitating Fascism”—Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary. References Andrews, Kevin. Greece in the Dark. Amsterdam: Hakkert, 1980. Chabod, Frederico. A History of Italian Fascism. London: Weidenfeld, 1963. Cooper, Marc. Pinochet and Me. New York: Verso, 2001. Cornwell, John. Hitler as Pope. New York: Viking, 1999. de Figuerio, Antonio. Portugal—Fifty Years of Dictatorship. New York: Holmes & Meier, 1976. Eatwell, Roger. Fascism, A History. New York: Penguin, 1995. Fest, Joachim C. The Face of the Third Reich. New York: Pantheon, 1970. Gallo, Max. Mussolini’s Italy. New York: MacMillan, 1973. Kershaw, Ian. Hitler (two volumes). New York: Norton, 1999. Laqueur, Walter. Fascism, Past, Present, and Future. New York: Oxford, 1996. Papandreau, Andreas. Democracy at Gunpoint. New York: Penguin Books, 1971. Phillips, Peter. Censored 2001: 25 Years of Censored News. New York: Seven Stories. 2001. Sharp, M.E. Indonesia Beyond Suharto. Armonk, 1999. Verdugo, Patricia. Chile, Pinochet, and the Caravan of Death. Coral Gables, Florida: North-South Center Press, 2001. Yglesias, Jose. The Franco Years. Indianapolis: Bobbs-Merrill, 1977. Current Mood: WAAAHHH!!!! Current Music: Kruder & Dorfmeister (Comment on this)
Monday, November 24th, 2008
8:22 pm	The problems of having an anonymous blog that becomes known... So I was just online reading my email when my ex TQ hopped onto chat to say what ever it was she really wanted to say, although I don’t think she actually did. She had apparently read my “last several entries” and she thought some of the things I had said there were subjective. I responded with, “Well, you know me.” Which basically meant; “You know I never gave you permission to read my blog so keep your opinion to yourself.” The really un-fair and humorous thing here though is that I intentionally led her to the location of my blog early on in our relationship. I had told her that I write a blog and that I keep it anonymous so that I could really reflect upon myself openly. I had written an entry that I wanted to share with her though on Sunday, January 6th, 2008 titled “The Roses taste like longing… strange, bitter aroma…” where I had written some rather complementary things about her. One of my dark little secrets is that I manipulate people a lot, really a lot. I often fain ignorance to lower peoples expectations of me at choice moments and to get them to give me one shpeal or another so as to make them react or feel a certain set of emotions that I feel will benefit me in the future. One thing those few that know me well knows; is that I rarely make mistakes and I am rarely wrong. I tend to give function explanations as though I posses empirical evidence when I know that there exist no such verifiable substance as empiricism. I cheat and I usually win. I am right so often that it often works just to trust that I am leading you, if maybe in a round about way, towards a beneficial position for everyone. So, if you know who I am and you should find me fainting incompetence without stating my actual ignorance or making a sloppy “accidental” mistake know this; you are being had. This was a minor case of that behavior; I intentionally left the title of my blog “Yoga of Green; thegreenson” on the clip I copied from my blog and sent it to TQ. You see I had told her I absolutely didn’t want her reading my blog, but; I knew she would deny that wish and read it if given the chance. She did read it as I knew she would and then I was able to one, hold gilt over her for doing so against my wishes, two, make her aware of other things that were not so easily broached verbally, and three, share the complimentary things I said in my blog about her. Simple and juvenile really I admit. Now she reads my blog still; damn it Green Son! So she told me that RG and she are expecting a child. Likely feeling out what my reaction would be prior to RG telling me. I think its stupid, but I really have no emotional investment either way. RG lives in his parent’s garage and TQ lives at her grand fathers flat. **shakes head** She is a struggling theater buff/ play write and he a struggling electronic music artist, amongst other various and moderately well done hobbies like painting and drawing/ film. When I was with her I was sending her hundreds of dollars a month because she was broke, flat broke. I can’t see them having a child (she already has one I might add) as really being a boon to either of them; but alas, star crossed lovers and blah blah blah and what not. I wish them well and I hope they are not completely crippled by poverty. I love them both. TQ, if your reading this; its true that I baited you into reading my blog but I also expressly told you not to; women and their apples yes :vD ; also, don’t come at me about anything you read here TQ as obviously its not for you. How obtuse could one person be? I wish you well and should you need a friend you will always have one in me, just please don’t cross this one boundary. This is my safe haven. Thank you. Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: Ammon Tobin (Comment on this)
Monday, October 13th, 2008
11:30 am	Your dance in the darkness amounts to nothing... I was reading over my blog to change the abbreviations I have for names as I am hoping my brother MW will read this blog and I want him to know when I’m speaking about him; I found this while reading through; ""I don’t think I have ever fully encountered this in a woman that I have dated. There always seems to be some agenda designed to compensate for their socially destroyed female ego, but this women is different, she doesn’t need me and that seems to be the sexiest thing I have ever known. I am able to hold conversations with her for hours on end and actually be interested the whole god damned time. I apologies if any women are reading this but, men; I am interested the whole way through our conversations and I find myself longing day in and day out for when I can pick up our conversation again."" The relationship is well over now and she is dating my friend RG. I hope RG and I can resolve our differences at some point in the future but it looks doubtful. We are civil, even open to compassion, but not really connected like we used to be. I don’t mind him being with her at all, in fact, I had let go of the relationship long before she had (TQ). RG had been lightly seeing her when I came home on leave and hooked up with her last year. We were at a New Years Rave our friends were throwing (I was on staff but haven’t had anything to do with planning a party in years). RG was making out with all kinds of chicks that night and TQ and he didn’t have any kind of relationship commitment although I think they had sex from time to time. TQ was all over me from the moment we got to the party as well, in retrospect this could have actually had something to do with RG's behavior but I was too dense to even notice she was hitting on me for the majority of the night. I’m so stupid that way. I guess it has something to do with not really caring. Women as twisted as they are seem to like that about me * shakes head*. Anyway, she ended up in a car with me and we kissed. When I told RG about it the next day he blew his lid completely. Really long story short, he’s bitter towards me and afraid of me having any interaction with TQ. "Ohh well." *throws hand in the air* Now back to the quote above; she ended up being very co-dependant and "needing me". I don’t seem to be able to be with women that do this.......wait, do they all do it? Seems to be the case. Maybe Andy Warhol was on to something with the whole A-sexuality thing. Fuck that though I’m addicted to pussy. I wish I could find a woman that was what TQ seemed to be at first; one that wouldn’t just hide the crazy until they think they’ve snagged me. It really tries the patience. TQ turn out to not be very professional, rational or independent. I wish this wasn’t true, but it is. MW called me...actually WOKE ME UP this morning ;vD. His recent ex-girlfriend (serious co-dependant mind control freak of a woman) called him recently saying she misses him and yadda yadda yadda please come back to hell with me I’m all alone kind of bull shit. MW knows the score but cant help but feel drawn and so he called me to serve as his mirror in his internal dialogue. This is a service we share for each other often. It just got me thinking when I read the above quote in my blog; is there actually a woman out there like I thought I was getting so many months ago? I feel melancholy in admitting to myself that it is likely not true. Why do people want to posses another? Does the world not understand love? It seems that the majority does not. You can not posses something that you love. To love is to let go and let be. Live and let die. Love completely. I think the biggest fallacy is the concept of future. “We will get married and have children and live happily ever after. “ This is a very big and dangerous lie. Enjoy the moment and be present. Looking for something that is not there out of what is leads you away from ever experiencing what is right there in front of you. What’s it worth if you’re always looking to the future and you get hit by a truck? I’ll tell you, its nothing, zilch, nada mas muchacho. You can chase a dragon all your life looking for the fulfillment you will have once you finally catch it; but you will never find the dragon. The prize is in the being. It is the journey in which you gain, not the stop at the end. I wish more people would learn to embrace the nothing. What’s really funny about this, is that most people would take a statement like this as negative or “dark”. All things must come to an end; your life, your children’s children’s lives, your business, your town, your city, your country, your species, your planet and the sun which feeds it all will vanish into nothing. They will vanish into nothing so much so as to be able to say they may very well have never existed at all. In relation to the Universe we will very soon leave no trace of ever being what so ever. It is in this that I find the most beauty. No rose could smell as sweet, no pain as poignant, no pleasure more abounding, no love with loss, no conversation without meaning and no life not worth living. Every bit of it is absolutely precious. This is where true love begins; in the nothing. Here is the interesting part; I have answered my own questions about women above, it doesn’t matter. Anything I can have with anyone is finite and should therefore be cherished for what it is/was. I love the moments I have shared with TQ and all the women I have been with. I am sure, should I have a future to inhabit the now, I will love them there as well. Loving completely is the answer. Let go. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Bob Marley (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 11th, 2008
3:57 pm	Dreams of a brother lost....... a hanging memory About a year and a half ago my Brother MJ hung himself. He wasn’t my blood brother but he might as well have been. Last night I had a dream with him in it. This is the second dream I have had with him in it in the last week. The dream was set in a post apocalyptic America. MJ was with me in a small group of men trying to survive. At some point he turned to me and started talking to me about how good it was to see me again, to be together again. During our conversation I became lucid; I started to tell him that this was a dream. He tried to deny this and say that we were really face to face. I recounted for him what he had done, that he had hung himself more than a year ago. I spoke to him about this terrible void he has left in my mind, my life and my soul. I love this man so much. To have lost a brother like him is something I can never articulate accurately to another but it is without bound, definition or space; it is absolute and complete. Speaking to him in my dream was amazing. After he conceded that I was likely correct about his fate we hugged and spoke for hours. I caught him up on what my life has been like; what I have been doing. I don’t have too much more to say, or that I specifically remember. I just know that this moved me very much. God I miss you MJ. I miss you in my life. Our brothers miss you in our family and we wish you were stepping into tomorrow with us. But since I can not see you with my eyes; since I can only stand on the ground of your grave and curse your lavish head stone, since I will never feel your voice again in my ears; I will know you in my dreams. Good night my love, sweet dreams my brother. I love you. Current Mood: sore Current Music: Bassnectar (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 10th, 2008
7:33 pm	Long time coming... I’m not really writing to write anything, just more or less because I haven’t in 22 weeks. Wow, that’s a long time. Huh, since my last post the woman I was dating and I have broken up. This is absolutely for the best. Loads of baggage and no where to take it would be a good explanation why we broke up. One of my best friends RG is now dating her back in California and reports to be very happy. Truly I hope he is. I go to Afghanistan with the New Year.................excitement and apprehension at the same time. When I get back; if I get back I will be moving to England where I’ve lined up a new jobby job. This job is a really great opportunity. My blood Brother LR is going to move out there if he can manage to leave his co-dependent girlfriend. They recently broke up....and got back together I think more for sex than anything else but WTF? He is more than welcome to come and live at my house in the UK, but she is not. Nothing against her personally, just no. My brother from another mother MW is going to study business in Hong Kong around the same time I go to war and will be joining me out there around the same time the following year. My father redslime doesn’t seem to write anymore...odd. The guy used to write everyday. He has this new girlfriend. By new I mean a little over a year. She’s OK, a little over bearing and obtuse at times with her ability to think outside her bubble. She is a very successful business woman but lacks real genius. My father is so codependent that I don’t know if he knows how to enjoy life without being tied to some bag of estrogen. He does go to NOM (Nation of Men) a men’s group in which he takes great joy in brotherhood. This is great and brotherhood is by far one of the most amazing things I have encountered being alive, but he seems to need a woman to tell him what to do. This doesn’t mean he necessarily will do what she tells him to, but he seems to have some deep need to have some sort of loving authoritarian female figure in his life to draw towards or push away. It’s kind of sad, but I guess its ok. He seems to be doing much better than he has in a while; however I doubt this has anything to do with the woman directly. Speaking of brotherhood, my blood brother L, my bro M3, other mother brother M and I all did the skyline to the sea trail when I was home on leave a couple of weeks ago. This is a two day hike from the San Jose valley (starts in Los Gatos) and ends 20 minutes north of Davenport Landing on the California coast (Highway 1). I STRONGLY RECOMMEND THIS TO ANYONE ABLE! I’m not going to share our direct experience here, but I will say that it was a coming of age for L and one of the most life affirming experiences of my life. I LOVE YOU MY BROTHERS WITH ALL MY HEART!!! I seem to be picking up quite a bit of professional momentum and should be very successful once I leave the military. Plans within plans and wheels within wheels. I’m good at the micro, but my real talent is vision of the macro and the ability to sell it to the right people capable of accomplishing the micro. When you can do this well, every one involved is happy and proud of their purchase. All in all, life is good and I love being single. Don’t forget to love. ;vD Ciao. Current Mood: thankful Current Music: Bass Necter (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 6th, 2008
5:07 pm	"Letting go" 06042008 I have been having trouble lately with missing my feonce TQ. We are in the middle part of a long distance relationship at the moment where I see her much less than I would like and most of my contact with her is purely cerebral, through telephone and chat. She is nearly four days into a 12 day vacation in New York and Philadelphia to visit her best friend Laura and various other people. She is wearing my ring, and I talk to her every day, but it generally has lacked the intimacy and depth that I am used to in our normal conversations. I think that this is directly due to the fact that she is preoccupied and really enjoying spending time with friends she hasn’t seen in some time and has regularly expressed missing dearly. This knowledge doesn’t always help me in my acceptance of being on a back burner. I had a dream last night that made me feel a little better. I dreamt that TQ got home from her vacation and was in bed in her bedroom at her house. I crawled up on my hands and knees to the left side of her bed where she likes to sleep. I kissed her shoulder and said hello to TQ. She looked over and said "Hi Baby". I asked her if I could sleep with her and she said "yes of course" and started to help me take my cloths off. I told her I would be right back because I had to use the bathroom. When I entered the bathroom it was filled nearly a third of the rooms volume with water and the floor was bowing a little from the weight of all the water. I swam through the water into the shower and let the drain go. The water that had built up while she was gone on this vacation drained out and I went back to the bed room. I slipped into the bed behind TQ and spooned her holding her with both my arms around her. I was comforted by the smell of her hair and the sense of her skin against my own. She turned around. I told her that I missed her and loved her very much. She said “I love you Green Son”. I remember the release I felt as I tasted her lips and felt the force of her breath on my face. As we stroked and appreciated each other I slide myself into her. We made love slow but passionately. It felt like that first drink of water after a run, the first bite of food after fasting or the feeling of safe bliss felt upon stepping foot in your home after a long time away to war. Being in TQ's arms always feels like home to me. After we made love I wrapped her up in my arms like I had before and fell a sleep, lulled by the rise and fall of her breath. When I woke up I called TQ, who was getting ready for bed as she is six hours ahead of my time zone. I told her that I was sorry, that I knew she had been picking up on my moping and that it was because I wasn’t used to not having her want my attention like this. I said that I knew it was OK and I told her that was to be expected and that it was completely acceptable. I said that it had been selfish of me and that I am sorry to do that to her, and I am glad she is having such a good time on her vacation. I said that I just missed her connectivity but that I would be fine and that I love her. She thanked me and told me that she too loved me. My intent having been relayed, I got off the phone. I think I will be better now. I think the water in my dream was the mental object of my stress and insecurity. When I released the drain and let it flow from me a great weight was released from my mind. As the floor of the bathroom of my mind unbowed I too regained composure. My love making with TQ and the embrace afterwards was me grocking the truth of my love and affection for her regardless of any outcome. The truth of my reality is that no matter the future outcome with TQ, I love her and will be true to that. I must be true to that or else drowned in the waters of my mind. One day I will die, and for the small time that I may be remembered by the other doomed children of Sol, if I have lived true they may say; He loved. It is hard to remember to accept my futility in all that I do. It is the acceptance of indefinite loss that allows me to enjoy, experience and love this beautiful dream of life. I come to and leave this place often in my dream. Every time I have returned here I have grown and each breath I take after seems that much sweeter. In all things I love and for this moment I am awake. So until next time, I dream. Letting go Current Mood: awake (1 Comment |Comment on this)
5:03 pm	Something I wrote a little over a year ago that I would like to share... Something allot of you probably don’t realize; and I think it’s safe to say I never did before, is that California is a magical place. I’m seriously not trying to be silly here. I have been away from home for a year and a half now. I’m sure most of you never really noticed and those that did, I’m sure I know, having expressed it to me often. What I want to say here is...I always took California for granted. Sure, I had been to a few other countries, a few states, but, when you travel and "commit" tourism, you never really feel the ebb and flow of the community. For as much racial and sociological ambiguity we embellish, Californians are the most accepting, open minded; loving people I have ever known. You live in such extreme multiplicity that you hardly notice when another is different in shade of skin, appetite or subculture. I’m sure if you’ve gotten this far, your disagreeing to some extent. I have to tell you that I believe you’re wrong. Go live somewhere else and you’ll realize that you’ll never find a land so rich in culture and minds. Your people aren’t afraid to think, love and try new things. I will admit that at times you may indulge more than is healthy; however, you’ll either outgrow this or reach your inevitable demise with apt speed. If your taking where you live for granted, if you cant see the beautiful hills filled with forest and life, if you don’t love all the choices of wonderful foods, if you no longer enjoy the ability to see your favorite bands play in your cities and your clubs, when you no longer are moved by the pulse of your culture, you need to move and live somewhere else. I think after this, when you return, you will know why your elders chose this land to birth their seed. I live in Hawaii, a place I’m sure most of you want to go. Head this statement: "There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home." - Love The Green Son Current Mood: nostalgic (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 9th, 2008
4:06 pm	Mixed emotions... Wow, when it rains it pours. I have been falling in love with my dream women lately and then my grandmother dies. Fucked up man. So, I’m working last night and my Mom tells me that her Mother died last night. My brother and Father are in Africa on Safari and I can’t get a hold of them. I was never really close to my grandmother; she’s my step grandmother like that matters. It’s just an added stress. I am very happy with what is happening with me and this women TQ. What is harsh for me right now is that I know my Mom and my Sister are hurting; I’m at work and can’t help them or talk to them. My best friend that hung himself, more like a brother than a best friend; his one year anniversary of his suicide is on the second of next month. I’m going home to be there; I will leave a copy of Pink Floyd the wall at his grave and pour out a bottle of his favorite Pinot Noir. I love him a lot and miss him deeply. I know it’s technically 2008, but it really feels like 2007 was a year of death for me. I am moving into new and wonderful things here within myself and with TQ in my life in this New Year; but I seem to have lost and become irrevocably separated from so much and so many people in this last year. My being in the Army with a job I can’t talk about does not help me maintain relationships with some of the people I have known. There is a certain barrier I feel between me and some kids I’ve known for years because I can’t tell them about a large part of my life; and they don’t trust the Government as is. TQ was expressing to me last night that she had some minor reservations about the fact that I can’t share that part of my life with anyone. She seemed more worried about my well being than she was about wanting to know what I’m doing. She was worried that she wouldn’t be able to console me if something horrible happens in my job; which it does often; and that I would not come to her for support. I assured her that I would come to her for support and that yes, it is hard on me. I have less than two years left and I will be mostly free. I have to be on reserve for the agency that I work for for the next four years after I get out though. This is the only way to avoid being called back by the Army to go and ruin my life in one of the GOP's pet wars currently raging across mother Terra. I’m tired of war, the Army and this right wing society. I would like my grandmother's death to be the only one I deal with in 2008. I know that with my current job this is impossible. I more or less, engineer contract killings for our interests. I really don’t belong here. I love too much to do this shit with my life. I follow my Yoga of action but I will rejoice when it is over. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 6th, 2008
3:27 pm	The Roses taste like longing... strange, bitter aroma... Hmmmm,..... Where would I start? So much has changed for me recently. I was going to marry this girl J so that I could move off my Army base and make more money. She seemed to feel differently about the whole situation as time went on; more and more obsessive about me, calling at all hours of day and night; I couldn’t take it. I quickly realized that I didn’t care about her even as much as I had thought I had. She is illiterate or un-read, un-motivated, alcoholic, anti-intellectual and she completely sucks my will to enjoy life right out of me. A good ass and a pair of tits do not go as far for this man as it does for others. I have just been through the ringer with women in my life. I was starting to feel a lot like Henry Rollins. I meet a few interesting women here or there, but when it comes down to it they couldn’t hold a real conversation with me, push me, test me or inspire me to new heights of thought and expression. I had started to believe that there were not women out there like that for me or that the ones that were out there were married or otherwise un-attainable. And then……. I was recently bitch slapped by the cosmos! I met a woman that encompasses all these things and I find myself completely blown away; I mean just completely stumped. I have that amazing feeling like the first time you met your first love. I would never be so bold, or brave for that matter, to say that I am currently in love......it would be safe to say that I am falling though; far and deep. This new women TQ is amazing. She has a BA in Theater from UCSC and teaches dance and theater as well as runs a theater troop. Like I said before where do I start? The first night we went out just us; TQ got into my car and shortly there after asked if she could turn off my music and put something in that she was interested in my reaction to; she put a philosophy discussion from NPR on.... I knew right then and there that this may very well be the beginning of the end for me. Did the women I had written off as non-existent just jump into my car and get me into something that was far more interesting than what I was doing before she got there? The answer is yes. Approximately a month ago I asked my Friend LL; “Where is my literate, self motivated, stimulating, intellectual women? Where is the woman that actually likes what I like and wants to talk about it?” LL answered; “You want the fantasy women Dude. She doesn’t exist. What you want is me, but sexy and with tits and a vagina.” Me; “FUCK! Yeah, I guess your right. Shit, I wish I could have just been gay or A sexual.” This addiction hurts.” * Laughter ensues quickly followed by melancholy sighs and brief silence as both parties assimilate the reality of their conversation.* What the hell is this? She’s not trying to do the childish common women man when do we go to bed and have you paid me enough complements to pay for this sex game. It has already been discussed and it is openly understood that we can make love when desired. This women is actively interested in my mind, she wants to be stimulated. This is my wildest fantasy come true; a women that is well read and reads often, educated, intelligent, professional and driven to accomplish her own life; this women is living her own life and she is interested in sharing this with me, amazing. I don’t think I have ever fully encountered this in a woman that I have dated. There always seems to be some agenda designed to compensate for their socially destroyed female ego, but this women is different, she doesn’t need me and that seems to be the sexiest thing I have ever known. I am able to hold conversations with her for hours on end and actually be interested the whole god damned time. I apologies if any women are reading this but, men; I am interested the whole way through our conversations and I find myself longing day in and day out for when I can pick up our conversation again. I feel like some stupid school boy. I am just completely knocked off balance by this women and she has openly expressed the same reaction. I think I am in trouble. I have become so accustomed to just womanizing, not really desiring anyone outside of sex and living my life selfishly; now for some reason I cant get T out of my head. This is the first women I have met since I was about fifteen that I have felt like this for. We have made no commitment to one another; it would almost seem pretentious to do so seeing as I am in Hawaii for the next year and a half and she is in California living her life and raising her 10 year old daughter MQ. We have both cancelled dates that we had had with other people without consulting one another and expressed just a lack of desire for anyone one else. I’m fucking broken. All I could possibly have with other women would be sex. I don’t mean I can’t feel emotions for other women or anything so Shakespearian, but I don’t think I can go back to the lower standard I have lived with for so long. T has destroyed my previous standard in women. I wouldn’t ask for a commitment from her due to my current situation and I don’t care. I am in a weird place. I am just moved that she cares to share so deeply in me. Thank you for sharing yourself with me T. Current Mood: grateful Current Music: Dap Tone Records (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 18th, 2007
3:45 pm	The taste of winter... I think I am just writing because I haven’t lately. I’m not really sure why that is; I have been so very busy lately. I am nearing the end of a 20 day stint of work where I have had two days off and not congruously. I wake up some times and have things that I would like to write about on here but seem to be too busy to take the time; what little time I do have seems to be consistently used for sleep or the ever too common alcohol consumption. Life just seems so drab at moments and yet so exuberant at others; vivid, tasty, stinging, aromatic, unforgettable moments awash in a sea of blithe petulance. I can’t put my finger on where I am going and what I am actually going to be doing in my future, should I have one. The part of me that wants to join the people of my past, my friends, family and lovers can’t stand this forward momentum I am developing in my life and in my career; but the part of me that is truly me, could not care less. I find this strange and unsettling; what is this force in me that is so drawn, so willing to just let go? This has been a constant force in my life as an adult, I have seen a similar tendency in my father, something I am afraid my brother may lack; a propensity for Ego suicide. I don’t mean that I am going to kill myself physically, but more that I destroy my ego and resurrect a new image out of the ashes, time and time again. My ego is all that cares to dance in the land of the sun with my people; the rest of me knows that this is an inevitably fruitless endeavor. I will die, they will die and my journey can only be traversed alone, regardless of how many lovers touch my skin. The more I let go the more at peace I am. I have no idea what my true direction is, or even if I will survive my drive home tonight but I do know that I am becoming more Zen every day of my life. I think the best way to describe what I am experiencing is; I seem to continue to lose the ability to care as my ability to love increases. The more I love and accept what is, or who is, the more I am unable to attach myself to any standard predetermined for me by human society. I am in love with the nothing inside me ...strange. I think doing the work that I do has forced me to change exponentially; I am Arjuna and Krishna in internal conversation before the slaughter of my kin. When you are forced into a deep yoga of action like Arjuna, there are only two real options; you embrace the ego built for you by your society which will undoubtedly destroy you from within or you commit ego suicide and learn to love, becoming a force in nature as opposed to a soldier in a war. The first time I killed a man I had chosen the first choice and I wept in my sorrow. I had killed a man in hatred and fear and it almost destroyed me inside. I had bought the prescribed image society had built for my ego, but this was just a dream written by children squabbling over who would play the Indian this time around. When I let go, I realized that I loved the man I had killed and that I loved the men and women I would yet kill. When I realized that I loved them, I was no longer afraid. When I realized I loved them, I was able to kill them. When I realized I loved them, I was reborn with the taste of ashes in my mind. This is the yoga of action. All things come to an end; give up, accept destruction. There is no death without life, no birth without a grave and no food without destruction. It is the truth of the Yin within the Yang, the creator of life and the gnasher of worlds are one and the same. When this change happened in me I started to drift somewhere. I am not sure where, but I feel that I have started walking my eight fold path again; something I think I have not done in a while. I seem to take resting periods in this progression of being/ non-being, this lonely road I walk. Each trek kills me, I am reborn and grow up again in absolutely new ways, start a new trek and then at the end I die from exhaustion. I wonder who I will be when it is all ending for its final time. My father once told me when I was younger that he was not the same person that he had been and that he felt that he had actually lived many lives and died many times; as a child this seemed absolutely ridicules, but now after so many deaths of my own, I think I finally understand. If you are reading this and you are close to me, do not take this as a statement that I don’t love you or want to spend time with you because I do; it is just that I have been grown again and remembered that I walk my path alone. My legs are acking to walk. I wonder where they will carry me. Current Mood: predatory Current Music: in my mind (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 20th, 2007
4:00 pm	Dreams of death, snuggling, sex and trees... I had a dream today. I went to my friend SSG E’s reenlistment ceremony today. Afterward I had gone home and decided to take a nap before going to my physical therapy appointment. My dream started with me driving my Nissan Maxima. I was driving to some sort of ceremony, but I am not sure that I knew what it was exactly as I drove to it. I quickly started to fall asleep at the wheel. I was making a turn on the freeway off ramp when I couldn’t stay awake; I was trying hard to not lose control but was unable to and lightly hit an Oak tree. The next thing I remember; I am at some sort of private grounds owned by a friend; with long rolling green lawns adorned with beautiful oak and fern trees. I remember this place as comfortable and gorgeous. Many of the people I have known in California were there. I learned that we were having a second funeral for MJ and someone else and that some of our friends were going to be arriving in coffins along with the other bodies so that they could feel closer to MJ and this unknown person. When they arrived I saw the coffins arrive and I could see the people inside through glass panes on the coffins sort of like in Disney’s sleeping beauty cartoon. I could see the dead people and the living ones all in their seperate coffins. This disturbed me horribly and I started to run away but a woman that was middle aged and I know but can’t remember the name of, stopped me and got me to come back. I felt like crying at this point but was baffled by the lack of tears; I couldn’t cry any more. At this point I became very tired and collapsed on a futon like I had before in the car; against my will. I came too and was told not to worry by the same women; she was standing over me. I was snuggling with a female that had her back to me. The unknown women told me that it was ok, most of the people had left and that AV was here. AV then turned around from where she was laying down on a truck bed in front of me, smiled and shook my hand. Then the female I was snuggling with turned around; it was RG from Gilroy. RG is a ridiculously hot punk rock girl I know and used to mess around with. At this point I realized that I had a hard on from my sleep (morning wood) but it was obvious that RG did not mind as she embraced me and asked me just to hold her; so I did. I felt much better at this point and so I snuggled in and went to sleep. As soon as I fell asleep with RG and the others I awoke in my room actually awake in real life. I got up and drove to my appointment that I had apparently miss-scheduled; I was many hours late so I went home and wrote this listening to Jamaraqui and Modest Mouse; a beautifully odd compilation. I go home in a week. I will be staying with My Ex J for the majority of my vacation. J is a woman I love and would still be with if I could promise her that I would not go to other countries to fight wars for Bush but that is what I do. I am not a republican and do not support much of what is happening in Iraq today but that is not where I go. I find it sick how little America knows of the world, war and their tax dollars. Small wars tend to be much more moral than the big ones but doing the right thing doesn’t sell commercial time; this is even sadder than American ignorance. I will be done with my time away in about two more years and will likely attend either Berkley or USF; maybe then we will be together again. I made the decision to not hold either of us down as she doesn’t want to be worrying about her man while he is away doing shit he can’t even tell her about, which I understand. We have both dated other people in the few years since I left but we are really great friends. I could not begin to sum up how great it is to have such a rock steady commitment to friendship as we do. We are very comfortable and seem mature enough not to get all bent out of shape over things that are unchangeable. It seems when ever I go home to California we are both single and I have some of the most romantic, hot, sweat and sex filled experiences which is great, although it does seem to dwarf my love/ sex life abroad. The fact that we have a great friendship like this is great for both of us as it seems to remove any of the dragon chasing normal to American male/ female relationships. I recently met this cute little 30 year old Asian doctor out in Hawaii. Her name is JM and I think we hit it off amazingly well just talking. I came for a five minute consultation and ended staying two hours in her office talking. I mean, this was really amazing and both of us expressed how exceptionally abnormal this was. I think I will be pursuing this woman after I get back from my two week vacation. I know J does not want to hear details but I do know that this will be ok with her and that she will be someone that will support me and talk to me if I need someone should JM and I continue to hit it of as well as we did the other day; until then though I greatly look forward to J1 and just taking the time to drink her in, feel her embrace, touch her skin, taste her breath, smell her hair, gaze into her eyes and listen to her tell me of life. I love those that are close to me. I think the most amazing thing about my brother M1 killing himself earlier this year is that it has made me realize just how much I am in awe of life. I love being alive. I fucking just really love being alive and for the first time in my life it is really ok that I’m going to die at some unknown date. I’m just glad to be here with a big shit eating grin. Current Mood: grateful Current Music: Jamaraqui & Modest Mouse (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 15th, 2007
6:43 pm	Journey to the center of oahu I really don’t have much to say today; at least I don’t think I do. I had an infuriating experience on the Hawaiian freeway this afternoon. Hawaiians are the epitome of laziness and poor engineering. There is LA traffic and Mexico roads; needless to say its difficult to get anywhere with any sort of ease. There is no law saying that people have to use turn signals and the majority of locals do 20 under the speed limit in the far left lane as you barrel down on them doing a good 40 more than they are....you see where that kind of situation can go....well it often does. Hawaii has the highest road fatality rate of anywhere in the union. One of the most asinine things about driving here is their seat belt laws. There is this new campaign that Hawaiians are VERY proud of....."Click it or Tick it" is the name. Basically this means that if you don’t "click" your seat belt on you will receive a ticket from a police officer. More or less strait forward right? Wrong! If you are in an SUV or a truck people can legally sit in the back without a seat belt. It is no rare thing to see HUGE FAT ASS Hawaiian Samoan's sitting in lawn chairs enjoying a pina colada in the back of a pick up truck driving down the free way and having the driver change lanes without using a turning signal into the far left lane doing 20 miles under the speed limit when everybody else is doing 20 over and yet if you are in an actual seat and not wearing a seat belt duh duh dah dah duh duh duh..."Ticket"............uhhh so, why do they have the highest fatality rate you ask? Well, Im not going to tell you. This kind of backward logic is the mainstay of the Hawaiian culture. As long as it is lazy, easy, intoxicating and slow these people want it...and if it adds a few hundred pounds to your ass in the process...then so be it. I cant wait to go home....and I have nothing nice to say so I think I am going to end this rant now. Mahalo...FIzzLE...sNaP..AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Current Mood: aggravated (Comment on this)
Monday, August 13th, 2007
7:35 pm	Reflections Eternal Below is an account of a dream I had on 08AUG07 ....I recently quit drinking all together about a month and a half ago...I think I am experiencing some sort of quarter life existential crisis or something. Before I quit drinking; if I was bored or fed up with the "outside", I would drink and VIOLA...I didn’t care anymore. I am being forced to deal with outside forces in my life that I normally chose not to deal with. Things like, that I don’t get laid as much as I'd like to in the Army (FYI all the military women are married and/or dirty sluts and I am feeling too old to play the friendly fuck game), or that my friends and family, two names that for me are almost synonyms, are across the ocean from me and three hours ahead (a condition of time that seems to elude my loved ones when using a telephone....I never sleep!)...I am also on a night shift, I work noon to midnight Hawaii Time. All this seems to compound in my fatigue. The one women I think I may have a future with calls me frequently from California. She has stated that she would move out here to be with me if I could gaurantee that I would not deploy, and deployment is a certenty in my current occupation.....I would like to add that we are very close friends as well as past and occasional lovers. I love her, although talking to her has a strong tendency to make me feel very lonely after I get off the phone. Out of the three best friends I have in my life...all have been with me as very close friends for over 10 years, one of them reaching near 20 years..I am 26. One of these best friends that are really brothers killed himself about five months ago. Beyond going home and burying him with my own hands, I doubt that I have adequately dealt with my pain and love for him. The other two MW and RG, RG is moving to teach in Oakland and MW is moving to San Francisco to attend UCSF in an Economics Post graduate degree....MJ, the one that hung himself recently had almost finished his Masters in International Business...but that is obviously over now. I hope to attend the same school or maybe Berkeley if I can get in...After I am out of the service of course. My real brother..if there is such a quantification that matters, is cleaning up his act from being a pot head vagabond and is thinking of joining the Air Force in the foot steps of our father RedSlime and his younger brother ER. I think this is good and will help him accrue direction in his young life. My parents SummitGeek and RedSlime are getting divorced and should have it finalized long before I come home this October...I’m not sure how I feel about this one as I love them both....although I feel they will be much happier apart. SummitGeek is my step mother, although I tend to speak and feel about her more as my mother than my actual blood mother. My blood mother is just a fucking nutcase who agrees with anything you say because she is spineless...which only serves to entice the potential malice of my type A personality. I’ve gotten better with that one though..not with ease; .....Many other things have changed....half my friends have children now. HAHAH....ohh man, even my ex of a long time ago, the girl who took my virginity and was my first love, a relationship that lasted three point five years and ended in fire and brimstone, is now a mother. We actually talk now on a semi-regular basis....oouu, it took a long time though. I guess the truth is the world I have known has in very external ways changed immensely. I expect the internal relationships to function approximately as they have before I left...most of my relationships with friends and family are very long standing for one as young as I. I keep friends very well. I think what I have been dealing with in a subconscious way, and what my dream recorded below is thinking; is that the meaning of life for me has always been experiencing myself and the ones I hold dear; however now I have been away in the Army for two years and I will soon go to Iraq. Everything has changed in some respect back home with those I value, I have changed...and I have no guarantee that I will ever see any of them again. I think therein lies my quarter life existential crisis. I am sober. I am deeply entwined in a yoga of action (see Bahgavad Gita). I am headed to Iraq, the second Vietnam of my country. The strange thing is that in all my fear, I see and desire no other direction than forward. I hope that the obstacles in line ahead of me will help me traverse the distance between me and the meaning of life. --below is my dream as I recorded it upon waking--- I dreamt that I went home from being abroad in the army to California. I don’t know the time of year but it was brisk in temperature and rained often as is in my regular yearnings of home. I went out drinking with MW, IV, and various composites of people that may not have been exactly anyone that was real. After drinking we decided to go on a hiking slash camping adventure. I believe we had been in some off nature of strip bar previously as I remember listening to IV bitch about a striper not liking and wanting to have sex with IV and MW who were dating. It was not clear if they were just sleeping together or dating as this line is often obscured in IV’s mind. We went on a hike in the redwood forest and it would rain off and on in bizarre frequency, dry and wet within moments. There were other people making the same journey to undisclosed location as we. Our group was large but I don’t know the number of people. On the journey there were many various dangerous obstacle courses with puzzle mechanics we had to figure out and then traverse to continue. One I remember still was made of wood and had a location I had to climb out onto over a rock ledge and spin a piece of wood that had a rope on it connected to a series of logs that as I spun the first log it brought the rest to a position my comrades would be able to venture down to the forest floor below the cliff structure on which I was climbing. After some time I found myself in some sort of hotel cabin deep in the forest were MW and IV continued to have sex and talk to me about life here in California since I had been gone in the Military. All this time they were having sex of one sort or another. IV started to talk about how she had enjoyed having sex with me in the past but on my approach she said that I could no longer have sex with her, and MW un-offended laughed and continued to have sex with her. I remember I had tried to give her cunnilingus. Through the whole dream I had an obsession with cigarettes, I smoked Camels Turkish Gold and American Eagles blue. I have just quit smoking for the third time in my life slightly more than a week ago. I love you kept running through my mind with no obvious recipient. All through the dream previous to the forest adventure, I drove with someone much like my best friend as a boy who I no longer talk to, JW, but it was not really him it just resembled him. We drove around in a moving truck something like a Uhaul truck. I know this struck me as slightly odd in my dream although I gave it almost no thought. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: If only that was legal... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
7:12 pm	thegreenson makes an attempt homeward bound..........In the land of the stupid...the 98C is King I was just trying to fill out my fucking leave form...I have to do this "Travel Risk Assessment"........like I am driving a car where ever I am going, even though I am fucking flying.....anyway, I have to put the start and end addresses and what kind of car I drive, how many hours I will sleep before driving, how many breaks, how old am I, ETC....so this thing basically says I am driving through the fucking PACIFIC OCEAN!!!!! and it says that I have a low risk assessment......so do you think I can drive into the ocean and then sue the Army for miss leading me? Anyway, so while I am filling this peace of crap out, it wants me to put the address I'm leaving from and the Address I am going to.....first off it doesn't even have my unit or MY FUCKING BASE!!!!! Schofield Barracks is HUGE for a military installation WTF???? and then it doesn't even have anything besides Honolulu which is like a 1/30 of the goddamn island when Schofield Barracks is about 1/6 of the island..........I am completely amazed at how incompetent the fucking goddamn retarded ass military is....how in the fuck have we not been taken over yet? How are we supposed to be the fucking best when we accept to lie on documents so that we may remain in our thought box? It's almost like me telling you that everyone's name has to be registered as "Bob" because that's the only name suggested in the manual...so hence forth every fucking breathing mother fucker on earth is now to be known as "Bob". Like on the commanders signature block for my actual leave form....get this; the manual says that I need to type my commanders name and title in the web form for requesting military leave.....but the html is set up to not allow you to type anything in that block unless its a digital signature.....its set up so the poor bastard, whom we pray can remember his fucking name, can fill it out in pen....ahhhh...and thus here in lies the problem....The manual with the regulations says it has to be typed and then he just signs it....BUT OHH MY GOD THE NEW WEB DOCUMENT WONT LET ME TYPE IN IT, WHAT EVER WILL WE DO???????? I literally had five NCO's over here ranking all the way to E7 fretting over this...consistently telling me to "Just click on it again and see if it will let you type it on there. Damn what are we going to do now it has to be on there? Here, just double click it again it has to let you type on it.".... I like definition #3... from "Random College House Dictionary" ----in-san-i-ty (in san/i ter/e), n., pl. -ties. 1.To perform an action in repetition expecting a result other than the result received. 2. The condition of being insane; more or less permanent derangement of one or more physical functions, due to disease of the mind. 3. Law. Such unsoundness of mind as effects legal responsibility or capacity. 4. Extreme folly; foolhardiness. So basicly this proves, like it even needed proveing, that the Military is by definition insane and thus legally incompetent to be held responsible for its own actions....hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah...I think this is the root of our foriegn policie....hahahahahahahahahahaaahaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!! ..............Zig Hail!! Mien Furer Bush!!!!!!! This is amazing, that means that if we are the "Omega Power of Earth" the rest of the world is even more retarded than America. I don't know, maybe it is better if we go extinct than continue to accrue powerful weapons and give them to bureaucracies run and filled by incontinent incompetent imbeciles not fit to breed.........or trouble shoot filling out a signature block.... 24 months and counting......tick....tock...tick...tock...tick...tock..... anyway I will be in Cali on the 1st of October it looks like...... -- Sincerely, The Green Son Current Mood: crazy Current Music: ;vD ...LOL I love this smily face! (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 22nd, 2007
7:37 pm	Redslime taged me to post a list of 25 things that make me happy..tag yourself if you like ;-) 1. you living your life 2. not drinking 3. working out 4. reading good literature 5. really great Jazz 6. an amazing sunrise 7. watching a baby's first anything 8. enjoying watching the silliness of my sister's adolescence 9. snowboarding 10. skateboarding 11. feeling the world slow as adrenaline pulses through my veins as I downhill skateboard, knowing the only thing between me and death is my razor sharp skill painfully honed over years. 12. The feeling I get when I kill a man I have hunted fiercely over a long time. 13. My XBOX 360...sweet sweet joy ;-) 14. The feeling of cool water sliding its way across my skin, through my hair as my heart pounds in my chest begging for air. 15. The smell of a women's hair 16. The taste of a women's embrace 17. the feeling of riding a board of foam and fiber glass as I drop in on a wave...right before it pulls me with it 18. The feeling of firing my M14 19. The feeling of zen as I meditate during a shooting range competition...I am the man, the bullet, the target and there is no space between me..as I achieve oneness the bullet hits the target..there is nothing like it 20. The feeling of touching someone you love 21. Hiking in nature and letting Mother Terra wash our sins away 22. The feeling of the exact instant my fist connects with another mans jaw in that way I know he wont be conscious by the time he hits the floor 23. Cooking food for my family and friends 24. hugging someone I have not seen in a long time 25. playing racket ball Current Mood: grateful Current Music: I wish (Comment on this)